Divorce and school

For children going through divorce, school can sometimes be their only anchor. Spark Island's reporter Justina Haesaerts asked primary head teacher Marion Hunter what the key school-related issues were and how they can be dealt with.

What are the key problems you have encountered?
'The important thing is that children need to be able to talk about the way they feel. Sometimes they believe they can't. They are trying to protect the parent who they feel is under stress and they don't want to make that parent more unhappy. This puts the child under a lot of pressure which they bottle up inside.

'In talking to children, one of the other things that comes up is that they feel that they won't be loved anymore. They lose one parent and are afraid that they are going to lose the other, so they become clingy. They don't want to leave their parents - and this can manifest itself in tummy pains or headaches.'

How would you handle this?
'As long as we know about the home situation, we can deal with the headache or the tummy ache in a much more effective way. Nine times out of 10 there is no tummy ache although the child clearly feels that it has one. We are able to talk to the child and get them back on course and not have to get the parent in.

'But when that happens we always inform the parent. We tell them what has happened and what we have done so that the parent knows what is going on - that the child has had a slight 'wobbly'. Even though we've dealt with it at school, the parent has to be aware of the problem and must talk about it with the child.'

Do you find that school work is affected?
'Going through such a difficult time at home can affect school work. You generally find that the child has got so many things to take on board that he or she just stops for a while - you don't see the progress you'd expect to see.

'Again, as long as we are aware of that and recognise the reasons why this is happening then it's not a problem. After all, when adults are under stress, they don't perform well, so why would you expect it to be different for children?'

Does age make a difference?
'Children between the ages of eight and nine seem to find it especially difficult because they are more conscious of the fact that their lives have changed so dramatically. Saying that, the change can sometimes be for the better. If things at home were difficult, then it is much better to be in a calmer situation which actually provides a better structure for them. But at the time of separation it can be difficult.

'Also the older children become, the less egocentric they tend to be. They are much more mindful of their peers and the effect other people have on them - as well as the effect they have on other people. When they are four and five, if something's wrong you can give them a cuddle and you can make it right - for the short-term anyway.

'When they're nine you can't do that because they've got their pride and they don't want to admit it because they feel they've failed too - they think it's their fault that this has happened. Dealing with older children is more difficult anyway. Nine's really tough because you know what's happening in the world and you're beginning to realise that you have very little influence on things. If people are unkind to you, it can seem like the end of the world.'

How long can the problems remain?
'The acute phase seems to be about six months. After that, in my experience children generally adjust to the situation and it almost becomes the norm. They then tend to settle down a bit. The most important thing is to keep the school informed so that we can help the child get through this difficult time.'

Justina Haesaerts is a freelance journalist. She is divorced, lives in London, and has a five-year-old daughter.