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Until divorce do us part...
By Justina Haesaerts Introduction Think of your social circle and you're bound to come up with at least one example of somebody who is divorced, separated or on their second or third marriage. UK statistics show that three in five marriages in the UK are destined to end up in the divorce courts, making the concept of a two-home family an accepted norm. Saying that, however, one should never underestimate the trauma and emotional distress that families go through - not least the children, for whom the changing circumstances can have a radical affect both at home and at school. Ways a child may react "Aggressive mood swings, loss of concentration and withdrawn behaviour. Any or all of these can be the immediate outward signs of a child who is going through a separation or divorce situation," says Dr Jack Boyle, a child psychologist based in Glasgow. In her book, Helping Children Cope with Divorce (Sheldon Press, £6.99) Rosemary Wells highlights that about two-thirds of all children from divorced homes also show marked changes in their school behaviour:
What you can do In the first instance, observe, listen and talk. Dr Boyle emphasises: 'The most important thing for a child is to be able to talk about what they feel and what they are going through - and parents must pay attention to what they have to say, no matter how difficult or painful that may be.' Make sure that this is an ongoing process - keep monitoring for outward changes in the child and encourage her to talk about the situation openly - although do not press her if she seems reluctant. The key is to always be sensitive to her needs and put those first. Secondly, inform the school. Parents may feel awkward about discussing their personal problems with strangers, however for the child's sake it is essential. For many children, school represents their only anchor during a very difficult and unstable time. It is a known environment and through its familiar routine and faces, it provides the child with a central point of stability. For this reason, even if you have to move homes, try and ensure that the child remains at the same school. How school can help The person you should talk to in the first instance is the head teacher as she or he can decide who else needs to know. Obviously the child's class teacher will be informed, however, there may be others such as the person responsible for welfare who should also be told. Marion Hunter, is the head teacher of Eversley Primary School in London. She emphasises how important it is that the school be told: "If the school doesn't know, you are doing the child a terrible disservice. We recognise that it may be difficult for parents to talk but my biggest concern is for the children - and we can't deal with them effectively unless we understand what is happening in their lives." By making the school aware of the problems at home, parents will be making life easier for the child. As outlined above, a child is likely to undergo significant behavioural changes that may affect her overall performance at school. If teachers are aware of the situation they will be equipped to deal with any potential problems more sensitively. Hunter cites an example in her school: "There was one family going through a divorce where the children were nine and seven. The little boy became very aggressive and the little girl kept getting headaches and tummy-aches. But because we knew about the home situation, we didn't look for reasons why it was happening at the time. We knew what the cause was and were therefore able to deal with both children much more sensitively and effectively." Finally, even after a divorce, when it comes to school parents should try and stand united. Since the Children's Act in 1988, even though a child might be living with one parent, in most family situations, both parents with responsibility have the right to be involved in schooling. Both parents can be consulted on major decisions, such as exams, change of school, medical matters etc. Unless there is a court injunction denying contact with one parent, a school will remain impartial and encourage both parents to get copies for termly reports, attend parent's evenings and other actvities where the child is involved. Justina Haesaerts is a freelance journalist. She is divorced, lives in London, and has a five-year-old daughter. |
