How to be a cool parent

By Dave Smith

Life's hard enough for kids at primary school. Coping with work, making friends, waking up, staying awake, looking half-decent. Don't make their lives any harder. You should be there to make things easier not make them cringe with toe-curling embarrassment every time you show your face.

Here's our easy-to-use guide to the absolute 'never evers', to make your little treasure's journey through primary school a happy one:

1. Mummy's little soldier
Under no circumstances use your seemingly harmless nicknames for your kids at the school gate. An enthusiastic 'Hello snookums' may sound to you just the kind of welcome they would want at the end of a tiring school day, but believe me, it's not. The following morning will be like entering the gates of hell as the playground resounds to the chanted chorus of 'Snookums, wookums, snookums wookums!' Kids are witty like that.

2. Mums' and Dads' race
If you hear 'Come on, line up, it's just for fun' over the sports day tannoy, don't move a muscle, stay where you are. Taking part in the parents' race can only lead to falling over, or coming first with an impressive dip at the ribbon, which will lead to accusations of training, and not joining in the spirit of the whole thing, i.e. being hopeless. Either way, your kids will be willing you not to enter. Even if they're pulling you towards the start-line. Resist. It's a double bluff.

3. Packed lunch
The right packed lunch is almost as essential as the right trainers, so don't try anything too fancy or the 'just-like-we-had-in-our-day' type snacks. You can guarantee your kids will see their friends melt away if they open jam sandwiches cut into the letters of their name, followed by toffees and a flask of dandelion and burdock.

4. Get a proper job
All kids know what their friends' parents do for a living, so make sure it's not anything open to ridicule. Change your job immediately if you are a lollipop lady, town mayor, minor TV celebrity, or pig farmer. Pick an occupation which is humour-free in a child's mind - bank manager, accountant, loss adjuster - humour-free in an adult's mind too, for that matter.

5. Home haircutting
Although it may seem a great way of saving a few quid at the time, do not be swayed by the adverts for the 'Cut-n-snip-n-save all-in-one hairdressing tool', accompanied by photos of well-groomed children. In the hands of the untrained, you child's hair will end up looking chopped and hacked, and that Robbie Williams nick at the front will look more like a lobotomy scar. Other children will give them a very wide berth.

6. Parents' evening
Go. You must. But stick to the syllabus. Don't start making suggestions like, "Could there be more interpretative dance lessons, because little Ronan's ever so artistic" or "Is there any scope at all for bringing back boxing? It's really character building you know." No teacher worth their salt would be able to resist in the following weeks: "Well, Britney, if you can't remember the capital of France, perhaps you could tell us in mime!"

7. School trips
Parents are sometimes asked to go along on school trips. Go, but be cool. Do not stand at the front of the bus on the way home leading the sing-along with a full rendition of Billie Piper's greatest hits (with correct choreography).

8. Jumpers knitted by Grandma
Fine. Some look OK, and can mark your kid out as a playground individual. But there is a fine line between individuality and sticking out like a sore thumb. Having a jumper with 'I'm a little monster" on the front, may as well have 'Best avoided' on the back.

9. The school run
Only to be done if you have a cool car. If your vehicle is more than five years old, or is tatty, leave it at home, and take the kids to school on foot, however far it is.

10. Tucking vest/shirt/jumper/duffel-coat into pants.
Don't!

Dave Smith earns a living as a stand-up comedian and is a columnist on a number of women's magazines. Despite his numerous TV appearances he is still able to walk the streets of Tring unmolested. He has a 15-month-old daughter, Lily, who is already showing signs of being the funny one in the family. He is 36, but on a good day looks 37.