Nine steps to a confident child

By Hilary Pereira

Self-esteem comes from a sense of feeling confident about oneself and it's never too early to help your child on his way. Find out the best ways to boost your child's confidence.

Part of building confidence and self-esteem, is to help with learning at all stages of your child's life. "It's important not to under-estimate how much young children understand, and while we can work alongside them to teach them new skills, it's equally important to let them make their own discoveries," says Michael Farnham, head teacher at Cuddington Croft Primary School in Cheam, Surrey. "Achievements made independently bring the strongest sense of satisfaction. Children need to develop some learning skills themselves and be self-reliant, which sometimes involves taking risks."

New discoveries will bring different behaviours, and the way you respond to your child will have a knock-on effect to how he feels about himself.

There are various ways of boosting confidence in your child at different stages of his development. "You will hopefully have begun creating a sense of security in your child from babyhood," says child psychotherapist Rachel Pick from the Child Psychotherapy Trust. "This groundwork is crucial to a child's central sense of well-being. Establishing routines and building relationships will have created a solid base from which confidence grows."

Continue to lay the foundations in your pre-school child and build on them as he grows. Choose your child's age range to find out ways you can help:

Three to four-year-olds
Five to eight-year-olds
Nine to 12-year-olds

Three to four-year-olds


Ignore bad behaviour
Try your hardest to ignore undesirable behaviour, as long as it is not harming another child. Tantrums and refusals to cooperate indicate that your child is testing his limits, and are a perfectly healthy and normal part of development. From the age of three - if not much earlier - he begins to realise that he has power over your emotions.

If you become unreasonably angry or upset over your child's bad behaviour, he will learn to play on this - but instead of feeling more confident, he may feel frightened and confused by his own power. You can build his confidence by meeting him halfway.

Give him choices
"Offer him choices whenever you can, in order to build his ability to make sensible decisions," suggests Michael Farnham. For instance, instead of saying: "If you don't put your coat on we're not going to the park", ask instead, "Which coat and hat would you like to wear to the park today?". You are still in control, but your child feels important to have been consulted.

Treat questions seriously
You may be surprised to be approached by your four-year-old wanting to know all about how babies are made, or some other potentially tricky topic. Your reaction is crucial: if you laugh, appear flustered or ridicule your child, you will knock his confidence badly. "Treat his questions seriously and give him answers, however elementary," says Rachel Pick. "In this way, he will be encouraged to talk to you about anything and everything that is on his mind, confident that you will be sympathetic and advise him."

Acknowledge positive behaviour
Praise your child's good behaviour, displays of affection, persistence in trying to master a skill, enthusiasm and humour. In other words, praise him whenever the opportunity arises. You cannot spoil a child with words of approval: on the contrary, every little bit of encouragement will help to boost his self-belief and his confidence in his own abilities. As Michael Farnham points out: "Research shows that the most effective ration of praise to criticism is around four to one."

Five to eight-year-olds


Help with starting school
Your child may already have attended the nursery school attached to his primary school, but it is still a big step going to 'big' school. Take him to school events before he starts: attend open days, fetes, school plays and concerts to help familiarise him with the layout and feel of the place. Try to meet his class teacher several times, if possible, in the run-up to his joining date.

"Be prepared for your child to regress into younger behaviour during his early days at school," warns Rachel Pick. "He may feel overwhelmed with this new environment, the length of the school day and the new demands being made on him. By allowing him to be a baby again at home, he will feel more able to be 'grown-up' during school time."

Encourage interests
Build on your child's particular skills and areas of enjoyment by enrolling him in a class: he may enjoy music lessons, art workshops or music-and-movement groups. "Skills learnt through developing areas of strength are often utilised later on to develop other areas," Michael Farnham comments.

Don't push your child into too many extra-curricular activities, though. He needs plenty of time just to relax at home. One or two activities a week are usually enough for this age group.

Give your child more input into home matters
Consult him about colour schemes if you are decorating his room, involve him in general discussions about family life, and encourage his sense of humour. "Showing him that you value his opinion will make him feel an important member of your family - and of society in general," stresses Rachel Pick.

Nine to twelve-year-olds


Take an active interest in your child's homework
Don't be afraid to admit to your own areas of weakness: your child will feel more confident in himself if he realises that adults are not always successful in everything they do. "Ask him to teach you," suggests Michael Farnham. "Not only will this boost his confidence, but it will deepen his own understanding of the subject matter."

If your child asks for your help in a subject you know little about, show him how to use books, an encyclopaedia and the internet to help find the answers. Explain to him that it is all right to fail, as long as you have tried your hardest. Counterbalance any feelings of frustration by giving your child plenty of opportunities to excel in his stronger subjects.

Encourage your child to have a social life
Liaise with his friends' parents to arrange sleep-overs and outings. It's important for him to feel at ease in the company of adults as well as other children. He will learn about how other families operate, and this will give him a greater insight into co-operative relationships and teamwork. As a result, he will also be better equipped to manage school life more effectively.

Choose his secondary school carefully
Take his own preferences and abilities into account, as well as the academic records of potential schools. Don't allow him the final say, however, unless you are in agreement with his choice. "Too much freedom of choice can lead to children being in the wrong school or groups, which is damaging for self-esteem," Michael Farnham stresses.

Hilary Pereira has worked in the parenting press for 12 years. She is married and has a two-year-old daughter as well as two teenage stepchildren.